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The EX Left Me For a White Girl Concert – Day Who The Hell Knows!?!

April 30, 2012

So what? I’ve been gone? So what Soul? SO. EFFING. WHAT! You try continuing life when you’ve just experienced rejection and betrayal of such magnitude you feel baggy and melted like when you take an over-long hot bath that gets so cold that when you come out you look like you’ve just removed a month old body plaster.

I’ve been in the deep like Adele sangs…WE CUDDA HAD IT AAAAALLLLLL…but I couldn’t add her to my concert list cos there’s a conflict of interest…NO SOUL! I think I’m allowed to be a segregationist for a small spell, whilst I get myself back on track!

I’M STAYIN’! I’M STAYIN’ AND YOU, YOU’RE.GONNA.LOVE.ME! YES. YOU.WILL…so what I planned, was that I’d burst into THEIR wedding singing this…wearing the same wig and singing with the same passion, throw myself on the floor, grab a leg…and…

SEE FIRST OF ALL…this was OUR song, cos when WE talked about GETTING MARRIED…WE BOTH used to say WE’D play this choone instead of the wedding march and together down the aisle we’d shuffle, shuffle, side-step, side-step, wop left, wop right, body wave, body wave and laugh with our guests at our wonderfully love filled silliness and then say I DO!… I spose now he’s gonna do a bloody ACHY BREAKY LINE DANCE!

LOVING.YOU.IS.LIKE.A.BATTLE…except only I end up with scars, cos HIS scars will forever be TCP’d by Snow White!

WHY CAN’T WE WORK IT OUT WHY BABY CAN’T WE TRY…actually things have pretty much been a whole lot better for me without HIM in my head holding me back and putting me down It’s a very good thing HE didn’t listen to my begs and pleads when we broke up…but… let’s not dwell on the positive right now eh!

IT’S BEEN 3 WEEKS AND 12 HOURS SINCE YOU TOOK YOUR LOVE AWAY AND GAVE IT TO not me! (Come to think of it HE used to always say Sinead O’Connor was nice for a white gyal…with a sneer as well…THE EFFING q%$£q%£$%q£%$q%$%q£) (AND YES SINEAD IS THE TEMPORARY ENEMY LIKE ADELE…but PRINCE wrote this song…so blah!) …(See how complicated being racist is! SIGH…)

Cos this used to be my ‘In My Head Theme Song For HIM’ whenever I saw HIM and we’d share eyes, and flirty smiles and I used to play this on repeat on my way to work, on my way home from work, when I was tidying up…and then we stopped flirting, and it became real, and then it was love, and then it was confusion, and then it was doubt, and hurt and then it ended

…and when I went to see Fantasia in the Color Purple on Broadway in New York and her end song, her healing song, her come through it all and still here song…became my end song…

LEMME BREAK IT DOWN…

I don’t need you to love me…
I’ve got my sister (HOMEGURLS), I can’t feel her now
She may not be here (YES THEY’RE SOMETIMES BUSY BUT…) but she’s still mine
‘n I know, she still loves me
I’ve got my children, (MY FAMILY) I can’t hold them now
They may not be here, (THEY GET ON MY NERVES BUT…) but they still mine
‘n I know
I know I still love them
Hey
Got my house (SHITTY FLAT BUT…)
It still keeps the cold out
Got my chair
When my body can’t hold out
Got my hands doin things like they s’posed to
Showing my heart to the folks that I’m close to
I got my eyes though they don’t see as far now
They see more ’bout how things really are now

AND NOW THE HEALING…

I’m gonna take a deep breath
Hey!
I’m gonna hold my head up
Gonna put my shoulders back
And look you straight in the eye…
I’m gonna FLIRT with somebody (BUT PROBABLY NOT MARCUS COS I DON’T LOVE HIM OR NEED HIM EITHER…sometimes)
When they walk by
I’m gonna sing out
Sing out yeah

NOTE TO BROKENHEARTED (BLACK ) and GIRLS EVERYWHERE…

I believe I have inside of me
Everything that I need to live a bountiful life
With all the love inside of me
I’ll stand as tall as the tallest tree
And I’m thankful for each day that I’m given
Both the easy and the hard ones I’m livin’
But most of all
Yes I’m thankful for lovin’ who I really am
I’m beautiful
Yes I’m beautiful
And I’m here
Yes you are, you are here…

I allowed my EX to stomp me down, I allowed my EX to rob me of self, I allowed my EX to allow me to believe that I wasn’t worth a penny…and I’ve blamed myself for my EX finding beauty and love in another, allowing me to not see beauty and love in myself.

WHEN you’ve been rinsed, and rubbed, and dragged, and pulled, and pushed, and whipped, and punched and defeated…sing a song of redemption.

NO MORE!

(But just gimme one more week Soul…one…more…week…)

 

Ebs xxx

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