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Day 11 – Too Dark

April 2, 2012

Okay I’m ready…

So in walked my EX with some friends…I assumed they were friends Soul because there was a cloud of ‘ha ha ha, yeah yeah yeah, did you hear what he said ha ha ha.’ Surrounding his group which loudly disturbed the comfortable camaraderie the existing crowd had, causing everyone to turn and stare at this new hip expensive looking crowd of workmates.

They looked like lawyers after a big case, the way a film would show it. With the case-winning lawyer in the middle of the group being back slapped all the way to the bar with his best co-worker shouting, ‘Get this lucky sonofabitch a drink bar-tender’.

In this case the lucky son-of-a-bitch was my EX, and the backslapper didn’t so much backslap him, rather SHE arm in armed HIM closely and intimately, with the crowd surrounding them as if they had both won…I gasped loudly as my brain kicked into overdrive

Cassie was lost in a Material World so ignored me.

I was shaking internally, and also to the music, trying to enjoy every last drop cos I mean when was I ever gonna get a chance to hear an ’80’s Madonna Medley again?

So I shimmied and stared.

My EX  bought everyone a drink…and whilst all his hip and expensive friends sat down, at a table, exactly three tables away to the right of ours, my EX and his best co-worker, who was a WOMAN, got the drinks in together.

I stopped shimmying and told Cassie I was going to the toilet. Because Soul, I had to see. So I walked purposely past HIM.  But HE didn’t see me. HE never saw me. But I was next to HIM and HE didn’t see me, HE  just paid for the drinks and went to the table with HIS best FEMALE co-worker. Who sat next to HIM and into HIS side and held HIS hand.

Soul.

She had long dyed straight black hair.

Soul.

She had a long swan like neck.

Soul.

She had big Bambi  like blue eyes surrounded by thick fluttery lashes.

Soul.

Her nose was straight and long, and pointed.

Soul…

So I stood and stared and tears burnt by eyes but they didn’t fall yet. Because I needed to see one more thing. I mean power of my female intuition told me something. But I thought… No. Nah. Nah HE wouldn’t, HE couldn’t

Then I felt my jeans pocket vibrating. Took out my phone quickly to see who it was.

It was Marcus.

For the first time I ignored him without lying.

I was busy.

I was trying to see…and hear…and so I heard…

Congratulations man… It was about time man… You lot have been together sooo long… what’s it  been three, four…? Fuckin’ ‘ell now fuckin’ Shelle’s gonna be on my back… Couldn’t you lot have waited a couple years longer.’

And then I saw…them kiss…and giggle…and…

Then the tears  began to spill, I ran to the toilet and cried a lot. In one second. I don’t do crying well Soul, know that about me. I find it tedious.  I find it tedious when I need to cry but can’t.  I find it tedious when I cry dramatically for the wrong reasons like someone being voted out on X-Factor or when a man’s coming over to pleasure me… So tears spilled from my eyes, then they didn’t and then I ducked and dived past THE ENGAGEDS, back to my co-workers. Who were having yet more drinks and wanted me to show them the move that Cassie and me naturally subconsciously came up with. Even in Pop we have God given rhythm.

But I clock watched and Cassie agreed, and we left in haste. They slumped  again. They did Soul!!

I was quiet and said a small bye to Cassie who didn’t get it. But she was cool and she went and that’s why she’s becoming my new best friend because she doesn’t demand my attention like The Girls. She understands that it will come out when I’m ready.

Even though at that precise moment I desperately needed to speak to someone who knew the whole history of EX.

So, Soul I need to totally explain the situ…EX was with A White Girl, not a white girl with a tan, or a white girl with a bit of black.

(Soul I mean a bit of black where she acts black, or has black understanding from school friends, or estate friends or work friends or used to go to Jungle or Garage raves or you know… a bit of black.)

This white girl was white. With a never been to Brixton or Harlesden and have no intention, because that spells DANGER white girl.  A white girl who went to school in Posh Land but never got the bus out of Posh Land to go home to the hood like I did, no… instead she walked a couple of roads into upper Posh Land and into the Posh Land village of No-Coloureds-Allowed-Unless-They’re-As-Rich-And-Posh-As-Us-Upon-The-Hill.  A white girl who if ever wanted to trace her roots would be able to trace them all the way back to colonial Caribbean and the big white colonial house that housed Master and Mistress white people and their thirty slaves which would trace all the way to EX’s roots. And from what it seems they are engaged. And seeing as we broke up only two years ago, the white girl probably had my EX’s attention when I was screaming for it.

Soul it hurt. My skin was on fire when I got through my front door.

The more I thought about it the more my real soul felt like it was seeping through my pores into a puddle at my feet.

I stood in the hallway in the dark, staring into the dark, feeling extremely dark.

HE left me for her, her who is so the opposite of me, nothing like me, or anything me could ever be.

HE chose her and now they’re engaged and I’m single and now it has all been confirmed, all the hopes and dreams have been erased.

In the darkness of my hallway I realized that I could no longer pretend that I’m not waiting for HIM to come back a changed man.

I could no longer play the ‘I don’t love HIM anymore really I don’t’ game with the girls.

I couldn’t keep going to the places HE went, looking fantastic,  hoping HE’D agree.

I could no longer kid myself.

Soul it hurt. Writing all of this hurts so I promise to tell you the rest when I can. Now I have to go and put on some Mary J and sing along with hurt Mary. Before she was married Mary, sing out loud…

 ‘…wonderiiingg whyyyyy you don’t loooovee meeee the way that I loooooooooooooooooove YOU! I CAN LOVE YOU BEDDDER THAN SHE CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!’

Ebs xxx

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From → The Soul Pages

4 Comments
  1. You are such a fantastic writer! You are like the only person inspiring me right now. I am connecting with this blog like I just spray-painted ‘d*ckhead* on this Ex’s windscreen out of solidarity, although to be fair, he doesn’t seem to have done anything other than exhibit vague *dickhead* behaviour.

  2. The Soul Pages permalink

    Hahah, thanks Vanessa 🙂

    Ohhh the dick’edness will be revealed…sigh! Or maybe it was my non-assertiveness which allowed for the dick’edness-ness of he…CONFUSED!

    Ebs xxx

  3. Thank you so much for writing this, you basically expressed how I’m feeling right now (Except for the white girl thing) I found out yesterday my ex is getting married in just a few months and we broke up less than two years ago..so now my mind is in over drive, but it’s cool, I’ll get over the shock of it soon!

  4. The Soul Pages permalink

    Hello Fola,

    firstly a big soul hug to you! When they move on and we haven’t, it’s such an eye-opener/deep bloody soul cut that can render us lifeless!

    But rise sister rise, whatever it was, whatever it cudda been, whatever may have been marinating whilst you thought you two were cooking is irrelevant…from this day on I declare you free!

    Ebs xxx

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